Of Life

I keep having thoughts about this book I'm supposed to write. Am I a good writer, "yes" even i'll say that; great like the like's of Poe and other's? great in a sense that I believe my best stuff comes out when I'm fucked up. I've been struggeling with this for quite some time now. afraid to write unless i had some form of chemical substance in my system. altering how I think, and my reactions to certain situations; having now come to the conclusion that i would not have adapted to these situations as well otherwise.

I Have Fallen

It's getting more difficult to breath and lately, giving in to the urge of dying feels easier than that of living. Vague, I know, but for some reason the hold this addiction has on me won't allow spoken words about the angry facts; that I'm driven to insanity, everyday, until there's just a shell with my fading shadow at the helm of my soul. I am in pain and I'm not still young; I look it and act it, but it hurts. It's been a long time since I've changed who I am but this is the first time it's scary. My imagination and intellect used to astound and now, my mind... it's pale with trivia and popularity. I have succumbed to my faults, no better then they.

Every now and again I still see Him through fogged glass and sloppy flecks of tiny droplets splashed onto my window during a heavy rain. Each pearl of water, a memory, living out it's purpose. Tumbling down the window, burning the reason of His importance on the sill of my mind once again. And I wonder what he's thinking. Then, to myself, I say, "It'll never change or get better unless I force it. When did I become so afraid and weak? I just don't want this to be the end of my life."

Break and Release

Have you ever met someone who could change your entire being? It's not fair sometimes the way things work out but you go with it. When you want something so bad you'd completely rearrange the way you think and become someone so completely different, is it fair, to the person you are at that exact moment, the person you have been, to make that decision? Are we all limits or limitless.

Someone once told me that I should take care of myself more; be better to my psyche. I come out at night because this is when I can most feel my desire for the light. A direct line to the past and future lies within the trail of stars overhead. A pathway to thousands of lives. My life has been destroyed by the one living in this body. Time is dwindleling ever faster now and hope is ethereal freedom.

Within the events of my heart dates have been removed, lifetimes changed. A part of me has disappeared, once forgotten, remembered for you, now forgotten once again.

There is a tree, a cherry blossom, from which my heart hung. Picked; pink and solitary. Even away from the branch; at your touch, your taste, life was sustained. Upon your release; the thought of you wasn't enough. Decay, not ideal enough for how this heart feels. Without passion this heart ceases to exist.

As many times as you were right; this hurts the most to acknowledge... that you are serious to speak, "never together," My heart is broken and beside it leaks my soul. Pretty, red and ending. But I am strong... the one thing you were wrong about. Now, the only thing I have to live for are those once misspoken words. 

I will move on, survive... love again. 

Dreams from a simple heart

lightly crying, letting it all out. he sits there blankly in mind. the idea that he would give up to be with me. trust me this hurts more than you think. The simple mind could find no fault in the man with a great heart. To walk away would be keen in the absence of love. To surrender and live; dreams from a simple heart. The tears are drying now, cheeks rosy, lips... moist. With the flick of his tongue the salty residue is brought into his being. How could something as sweet as a tear cause more harm on a wound? Along with memorable kisses and divine speech,  swords of effort and courage given once to you now slice through the bars at chained emotion.

vulnerable

When exactly was I supposed to know? They say, "When the earth trembles," or,  "You feel it in your bones." When a rainbow cries how do you stop it from ripping the fabric of reality? Each tear, a wave of pain, crashing against the backside of the moon, pulling us closer. A sign to continue. A threat that this could be the last time for help. Thick billows of silvery grey smoke escape from my ears, releasing pressure; allowing communication. Technically, I'm fine. But from another angle issues run around poking closely at the scars from yesterday.

At the heart of this body exists a room with a thousand doors; there is only one for you right now. The rest are battling back tides from oceans of emotions. The doors holding them are degenerate and failing. I have only enough strength to hold them back for the one who will one day open them all,  release the pounding evidence and hold me close as we take on the fight together.

In the middle of disaster, there is one thing that grows. A single seed that survives, branching out and rooting in every memory, past or present. It invades confusion and breathes grace into it's lungs. It, is Love. Trust it. Unconditionally. Be willing to take the risk.

this is me... vulnerable

I already can't stand being away from you and the thought of loosing you to someone else or a mistake i've made weighs heavily on my conscious. I hate who I am when you are not around, the lack of characteristics upon my shoulders humiliates me. when you are gone I am more than alone. since I've met you, when i am alone, it's constant heartache. When you asked if i would marry you I meant it when I said yes even though we had only been on three dates. When I tell you I love you it comes from the one place I can't fully access unless you are there. I do feel safe when I'm with you. to give up addiction for your love is a fight I willingly gear up for.
I see you and nothing else matters. I want to be the best for you but I'm afraid im not. good enough. I feel like i could never understand why you love me. tonight i went out with you with the thought in my head that you were going to ask me to marry you. I would have and still will quit my job and leave my life to be with you. does that make me vulnerable, am I stupid to have the thoughts? Is that what true love is. desiring to be with the one you love, always? but I'm not going to. won't give into the lies that I can't find love with a man. because if i could, I have. so when I left the official third date  I was lost. heartbroken. I want to say that I knew you weren't going to ask me. and good. because I know now that you weren't ready to. me either. but the pain i felt when I went home without you. perfection in emotion. I guess I really did want you to ask me. more than I knew myself.
Sacrifice is next on my list. I need to feel the life I have snuffed out burn warmer now. I will not loose you to a mistake or a lie.

When we kiss, your lips glide across mine like a finely tuned dance. I love it when you pull me in closer. I get so nervous when you touch me still. your hands are firm and gracious as the hold me. your kisses to my forehead drive me wild.

so how am i the only one that has stuff to work on? just because i opened up to you about my life and issues means that you get to keep your shit private?